HARD PRESSED FOR THE RIGHT WORDS

Tonight I thought about crashing my car. Had a heart to heart with a new friend and felt more depressed than I already had been this week. I drove home thinking about what to hit that might stop me from feeling pain. I thought about just swerving into oncoming traffic but felt bad for whomever I hit. I thought of wrapping my car around a tree or light poll but knew that would likely only the car and not hurt me. I took my seat belt off mid drive and thought about everyone in my life. My new friend Collin who had just seen me and wished me a safe drive home. I thought about my brother Josh and how he felt this very way when his fiance broke off their engagement; how he called me and I had to talk him down from running his car into a wall on the highway. I thought about my friend Rebecca who told me the one time I tried to hurt myself that she wouldn’t come to my funeral because she wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the pain on my parents faces. I thought about my parents, and the deal I have with each of them. I promised my mom she wouldn’t die if I didn’t die because we both need each other too much to live without the other. I thought of my pops, who promised he would live long enough for my children to remember him. I thought about Breana, and how much I love her. I thought about the times I took care of her when she couldn’t take care of herself. I thought of all the pain and suffering we’ve put each other through in the little over three years we’ve known each other. Lastly, I thought of all the long night the two of spent when we were together, talking about how much we love one another and how we’re going to married and have a family and live together until we’re both too old to do anything but love. We talked about kids and pets and houses and careers and cars and everything you would ever want to talk about with a loved one. I drove down Lipona pressing the pedal a little harder than I needed. I closed my eyed and lifted my hands just an inch or two off the wheel. I started to cry. It felt like forever. I opened my eyes as my car reached the middle of the road, over the two solid yellow lines that divided traffic. I finished driving home and sat in my car. I wanted to call you, to tell you again how sorry I was for all the bad shit I’ve ever done. I sat in my car and cried, realizing that I lost the one thing in this world I love the most. 

Being faced with what I’m face with, I feel
Like I can’t rock and a rock hit my heart
Start to chain the day and exploded into pieces
Marry me, stay the same, lie to me and try to say you never will
Marry me, stay the same, lie to me and try to tell me